Tuesday, September 4, 2012

All My Teams Suck

By Adam Maher

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Like life, being a sports fan can suck poppycock sometimes; there are moments of brilliance, but most of the time, the act of supporting several professional sports teams and their athletes falls somewhere in the middle: driveling mediocrity with a few highlights, upsets, "OH MY GOD"s and "God damn it"s per year. Everyone has seen times of good and bad, no matter what sports they watch or teams they support. It would take a very special mind to actually be happy drifting from winning team to winning team each year - the proverbial front runner is a tough and lonely task no doubt. But for us "normals," who pick a team in each sport and stick with them, we're bound for gloomy days and glory alike.

Having said that, I am in perhaps the darkest era of my fandom's career. All of my favorite american sports teams are pit falling: The New Jersey Devils, The New York Jets, The Boston Red Sox, and The Brooklyn Nets.

Each said team has been teetering on full-blown extinction from my daily thought pattern for the past year. I'm this close to quitting watching sports for good...

1) The Devils: Though they beat the Rangers in the Conference Finals this season, completing an oh-so-sweet and improbable run to the Stanley Cup (their fifth appearance in the last two decades - only the Red Wings have more), the Devils completely blew it this season. They gave Ilya Kovulchuk an absurd amount of cash, leaving themselves without enough money to make a deal to keep their best player and captain, Zach Parise. Sure, it was cool to watch the Devils go the distance, but watching our captain skate back up to his home state, Minnesota, was not worth the run. With a medieval-aged Marty Brodeur in net, the most overpaid player in sports up front (Luke, I take everything I said about Iyla being worth the money back), and a bunch of let's-pray-the-gods-be-generous new contracts in the middle, the Devils have about as much a chance of getting back to the Stanley Cup next season as Dustin Brown has at picking up the newest Rosetta Stone, Mandarin version this off season as he sips vino from Lord Stanley's Cup in Hollywood Hills.

2) The Jets: It's Mark Sanchez and Rex Ryan's fourth season holding the throw of the most over-hyped franchise in the NFL. After flying high to the AFC Championship Game the first two years of the Rex-Mark run, the team has been on a steady 747-esque decent, and has been getting mocked on NJ inbound flights ever since the word "Sanchize" was expelled from the English language two years ago.

"Hey folks this is your captain speaking. We'll be in Newark in about 15 minutes. Feel sorry for any of you Jets fans on board - I bet it was nice to get away from the smell of Rex Ryan's farts while you were out of the tri-state area. The latest weather reports say it's about 75 degrees, Fahrenheit, and that Rex only had 12 hot dogs for dinner last night, so expect mild to mid-mild waves of odor as you step off the plane onto the apron. Thanks for flying American Airlines, and don't worry, you Gang Green fans back there, here at AA, our jets always suck - so we know how you feel."

Throw in the Tim Tebow effect (neither Tebow nor Sanchez threw a single touchdown pass this pre-season - barf - though, Vegas increased The Jets' odds of going to the Super Bowl from 1/60 to 1/30 the day they added #15), Revis and Butthead at the corners (credit @MLandy43), Bart Scott's inability to follow through on his promises, Shonn Greene's inability to do anything, and Nick "Fault" Folk, I'd say the Jets have less a chance of getting to the Super Bowl than Chad "Johnson" has at getting the MVP. Jets offensive line, care to elaborate? At least Wayne Hunter is out of town...

Kind of looks like Andy Roddick, in a dreadfully disappointing kind of way. If only Tim and Mark would retire in New York too...today.

3) The Red Sox: I began telling people winter was coming for the Red Sox the day Terry Francona and Bobby Valentine transposed their careers, and by the great gods of the seven kingdoms, I was right.

What is wrong with this team? I've been a Red Sox fan my entire life, bane of my existence, but this season might truly be the end for me. It was bad enough that the Sox lost all hope of a playoff run at the hands of the Rays' incredible 7-run comeback at the end of last season - but to completely deflate the very next year? And then to trade away your marquee trade of two years ago? Gonzalez and Crawford? Plus Beckett? Let's be honest, Beckett should have been lone gone, same as Crawford, but we had something with A-Gone. Ever since Matsuzaka became a bust we've been in shambles. I refuse to say "I'm a Red Sox fan" anymore. From now on, I'm strictly a fan of the game of baseball and all it stands for - the Red Sox are just a mantlepiece.

4) The Nets: The Nets are the worst team in the NBA. I don't care about the Bobcats. At least they know who they are. The Nets, on the other hand, go on galavanting, signing Joe Johnson, Brooke Lopez, Deron Williams and Gerald Wallace and all of a sudden they are the third best team in the East? Excuse me, but any squad who has Kris Humphries in their starting five is no where near the top three in their conference. How awkward is that by the way? Jay-Z, Kanye West's best friend, Kim Kardashian's boyfriend, literally owns Kris Humphries, Kim Kardashian's estranged ex-husband. What the hell, Nets franchise?

On top of that crap, they're moving to Brooklyn. In fact, they're moving to the same block I lived on for 13 months last year in Brooklyn. I actually watched their stadium grow from the ground up with my own eyes. I'll tell you one thing right now - the new Barclays stadium is in a horrible area. I feel sorry for Deron Williams. He's a world away from SoHo, that's for sure. I'm actually considering rooting for the Knicks this year, just so my boy Pete Walsh will be happy. That dude is the man. Seriously, coolest person in the world. Look him up, you won't be disappointed.

Hey, Ye, where's Kim? Oh, she's making a porno with Ray Jay in Hollywood today. HAHA that's hilarious! How many points does HER EX-HUSBAND HAVE TONIGHT? Yeah, don't expect to see to many GOOD Music double dates this season. Pass the theraflu.

No conclusions necessary. I'll be sticking to the golf channel from now on. At least my boy Rory held true to the game.

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