Sunday, May 13, 2012

Chad Bro Johnson's Letter to Goodell

By Adam Maher

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Once again, C85 is making headlines for something other than scoring touchdowns. This time, he's sonning Roger Goodell (ipso facto himself?) on the internet. By now, you've probably read the letter at least once.

Here it is again:

Dear Dad,

I know it has been a rough week, so I wanted to reach out. Players dying, players suing and on top of that my peers are just going off on you in the media. It does not help that ESPN has all of a sudden become Medical TV with damn near every brain expert on the planet. This has got to be the worst week ever. Since no one is showing any support, I figured I would be the first. You are in one big ass catch 22 and quite frankly, I am not sure there is any solution. One thing I think can help is killing the NFL PR machine. Y'all do a darn near perfect job at portraying this game as one played by heroes. But let's be real dad. This is a nasty, dirty and violent game with consequences. Sign up or go get a regular job. Watch it or turn off the TV and go fishing with your kids. It is really that simple. I know there are probably legal and financial implications that prevent this blunt depiction, but am not sure if you have a choice. If you don't say it now, the mounting evidence being revealed publicly will say it for you very soon. In all, I love you and if anyone can lead us out of this mess, it will be you. Oh by the way, I have a deal for you. Am having a rebound year and plan to do a lot of celebrating in the end zone. Can my fine money go to supporting ex-players suffering?



Relatively smart words from the 6-time Pro Bowler turned statistically destitute Chad Bro J.

Except for the the part where he says, "celebrating in the endzone."

Let's not get ahead of ourselves, 85. You spent more time at Red Sox games than on the gridiron last season. You spent more time on twitter than probably any other pro bro in the universe (I'd guess that you tweeted at least five times for every one of your 276 yards in receptions last season). And, you spent more time wearing your new gold Beats by Dre headphones than your new Patriots helmet!

"Please keep this thing on for five seconds that's all I'm asking!"


You only scored one touchdown last year - your 11th season in the NFL - and you had less catches (15) than you did your rookie year (28). 

It's a funny letter, 85, no doubt - a little insensitive to Junior Seau's family - but still, witty, I guess. But what's the point? After last season, you're pretty much the laughing stock of the NFL.

You're expecting to have a "rebound year," huh? What about your "team's" rebound year? In case you were wondering, they got to the Super Bowl this past season without any help from you. You do realize it's Super Bowl win or bust for your "team" this upcoming season, right?

Maybe your NFL purpose, as your career comes to a twilight, is to act as the class clown. Keeping plane flights light-hearted, owners on their toes and most importantly, providing that extra little piece of stress in Tom Brady's mind intact on a daily basis.

"I wonder how many perfect passes he'll be on the sidelines for this year..."

Truth be told, it's getting old, Chad, and so are you. For Christ's sake, you're 34. Aren't you a bit old to be calling someone else's dad your father? Especially when your own father passed away just five months ago - not to mention it's Mothers's Day!

I respect your will to have fun at your job, and of course your charities, but people don't want to see you poke fun at your boss (Goodell) and collect millions standing on a sideline wearing gold-plated headphones.

You're not 24 anymore.

So go catch 40 passes this season for 600 yards, eight touchdowns, win a Super Bowl, and throw it back in my face - Please, I dare you, it will make a great story.

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