Guarantees aren't all they're coked up to be:
Tommy: Let's think about this for a sec, Ted. Why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.
Ted Nelson, Customer: Go on, I'm listening.
Tommy: Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.
Ted Nelson, Customer: Yeah, makes a man feel good.
Tommy: 'Course it does. Why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?
[chuckles until he sees that Ted is not laughing]
Ted Nelson, Customer: [impatiently] What's your point?
Tommy: The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy; well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser, and your daughter's knocked up. I seen it a hundred times.
Ted Nelson, Customer: But why do they put a guarantee on the box?
Tommy: Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.
Ted Nelson, Customer: [pause] Okay, I'll buy from you.
Tommy: Well, that's...
Tommy, Richard Hayden: ...What?
They've got Tommy Boy in Spanish, don't they?:
After barely getting the job done against the Yankees Sunday night, Detroit closer Jose Valverde bilingually guaranteed a Detroit ALDS victory:
"I think the series will finish in our house," Valverde told ESPN Deportes' Enrique Rojas and other outlets. "They have a good team, but the series is not (coming) back to New York."
Valverde made a similar guarantee in interviews given in English but said that he was joking. He did not say he was joking in the interview with Spanish-speaking outlets.
After getting shelled in Game 1, and slipping by in Game 2, the Tigers head home for Game 3 tonight.
Detroit's Justin Verlander and New York's CC Sabathia will take center stage - instant classic material.