Monday, October 3, 2011

Dunkin' Donuts + T-Mobile + Dwyane Wade + The Boston Red Sox = WTF, bro? (snarf)

I am a Red Sox fan by blood.  I love the Red Sox, win or lose, no matter what.  This season, however, was probably their worst in my lifetime.  Coming into the year, every expert and all of their trophy wives picked Boston to go to the World Series. 

Traces of 2004 and 2007, mixed with some new faces had me believing too...

Working at all season with Yankees fans for bosses, I probably heard more Red Sox insults than any Red Sox Nation member in the whole country over the course of this season. 

"The Red Sux," or, "The Roid Sox," and, "Pedroia's no laser show," and my favorite, "Adam, we do NOT call that scrub Jacoby." 

Not to mention the time when I put my name up on the days-off board to take off a weekend because I was headed to Yankee Stadium to watch the Sox reach .500 for the first time all season via sweeping the Yankees on the road... My boss changed my note from "Go Sox!" to "Go Yanks!." 

Everyone saw it. It was funny.

This type of stuff was nothing new for me - having grown up in Montclair, NJ - right from the start this bro did his best to stand proud, but it was no use in the end.

I guess I should have succumb to the signs of a 2-10 start, a fat-faced and failing Carl Crawford/Josh Beckett, the fact that Dustin Pedroia really is 'no laser show,' a MISERABLE pitching performance from what was supposed to be a top-five staff in the league, the almost but definitely NOT redeemed David Ortiz, the no-name, new-kid, pretty-boys Salty and Reddick, Kevin YOU KILL US - but I just couldn't. That wouldn't be the Red Sox Nation way.  I'm programmed to believe in bad baseball.  It got me 2004, and 2007.

Okay, now that I got that off my chest...

There is no situation in sports more laughable, annoying, and aggravating than when a player gets endorsed by a major corporation and goes on to absolutely blow the following season. It's even worse when an entire franchise flops.

(On a side note: Flopped endorsements are way worse than large player contracts that flop (A-Rod's 26 million, Shevchenko's 30 million, etc.) because, hey, at least we're still watching said players live their dreams, playing the sports we love and cherish - and not watching some over paid scrub(s) drink iced coffee in a doughnut commercial that's attempting to steal our money in the morning and make us fat while we sleep.)

Perhaps the most extreme, recent, relevant and thorough example of a flopped endorsement deal (FED) can be seen in the beloved Dwyane Wade.

After winning an NBA title his rookie season with Shaq in 2006, Wade nabbed Converse, Gatorade, Topps, and Lincoln cars deals. And of course, the dreaded and omnipresent T-Mobile deal.

Wade and T-Mobile went on to launch the T-Mobile Sidekick III, D-Wade Edition (otherwise known as the God of all cell phones in most American diasporas) next season. Simultaneously, they launched a massive media attack which saw Wade appear at least once during every commercial break for all NBA games aired on TNT the entire season. Wade, of course, went on to have an atrociously bad year - he was tired, injured, and with no help (no Shaq) the Heat displayed one of the most boring team efforts in NBA history, going 15 - 67 (.183) before clinching an off season birth with more than 20 games left in the season.

Despite the horrific performances on the court, the D-Wade commercials kept coming - it was as if Wade was Zeus-in-a-bad-mood, T-Mobile was heaven, and the Side Kick III D-Wade Editions were little lightning rods being catapulted in the fays of all NBA fans on a nightly basis:

Fans were forced to watch these Wade commercials all season, but no Wade basketball. 

Literally, D-Wade spent more time slotted between McDonald's and Audi commercials than the sidelines.

What the Boston Red Sox did this September was way worse than Dwyane Wade.

The meltdownGoing into September, Boston was in first place of the AL East, up nine games in the Wild card race, and they had the second best record in baseball.  I actually thought my faith was going to come to fruition.

The Sox went on to not record a single winning streak all month, going 7-20, tying a franchise record for worst September ever, thus completing the worst collapse in MLB history (according to Tim Kurkjian, but probably not to Ken Burnson the final day of the season, in the final inning, losing on a Robert Andino RBI single to the insanely-ironic ex-Rays left fielder, Carl Crawford.  

Mets fans, rejoice.

And as the Red Sox played the role of Dwyane Wade, Dunkin' Donuts played the part of T-Mobile.

Every night, every loss, the brick-wall backdrop for the press conference table was littered with Dunkin' Donuts logos. Literally for every Red Sox logo there was a louder, larger Dunkin' Donuts logo. It was insane. Dunkin' Donuts WAS the Boston Red Sox this year.

It was Zeus-rods in the face all over again, times a million, right from the get-go, right in the fay:
The Boston Donuts faces.

The brick was was littered with bad players, coaches, owners, and logos from the first day of spring training, up until the final blow.
"The Boston Donuts and head coffee mixer Terry Francona have 
decided to part ways after eight seasons and two World Donut titles."

"I'll have an ice coffee, medium, with a double shot of STEROIDS, please."

Like I said, no laser show.

The epitome of a failed season:

The Red Sox failed in the purest form this year, and Dunkin' Donuts was there every step of the way to shoot me in the face with lightning bolts.

Maybe the Red Sox and Theo Epstein and Dunkin' Donuts meant to turn all of Boston into fat bastards who only drink coffee and eat donuts and don't watch playoff baseball...oh wait, that's what they did.

In closing, snarf.
WTF, bro?

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